Power of No and Yes

The extraordinarily talented Norman Vladimir, helping me celebrate my b'day this January. :)

On my birthday this year, my good friend Norman insisted on one thing: That I make this my year of "Yes."

All of the things I wouldn't have said "yes" to in years past, obviously within reason, I was supposed to begin saying it to, even if it felt out of my comfort zone. "This will change your life this year!" He told me about how he'd applied the very same principal to his life, and the difference it made. (The evidence is obvious if you ever just google the man: http://www.normanvladimir.com/ )

So, I have been slowly but surely applying this principal to each day, and I'll admit - the results are impressive.

What's amusing (to me) about this new tactic, is that for years I was told to learn how to do the opposite. In high school I played sports, danced 6 nights a week, did the musicals, competed for awards for voice and violin, performed at All State/ All Eastern for voice and violin, was an honors student, was in the jazz vocal ensemble, was part of bible study, did the morning announcements, and tutored. Therefore, in my undergrad I happily piled on work as class Secretary, wrote for the school paper, played violin in church quartets, taught private lessons, became an orientation leader, then became an RA, joined Westminster Choir, did tours with said choir, did roles in the musicals and summer program operas, and piled on way too many courses. No wonder in the span of those 4 years I wound up with an ulcer (twice), kidney problems, and was always deathly ill with whatever flu was going around due to my nonexistent immune system and sleep deprivation.

By 2007, after I'd applied and auditioned for 5 different grad schools, I had no voice and was wilting from exhaustion in my voice teacher's studio. This was the point at which she gave me the lecture I will never forget, with one insistent word of wisdom: "Learn to say 'No.'"

She explained to me that if I continued to go through life the way I was: over-extending myself and living with insurmountable stress at the age of 22, I would fall apart before 30. Now, 6 years later, I can see how very right she was about that.

So, in the next two very busy (yet fulfilling, with things I wanted to be busy with), years of graduate school in Rochester, I put that concept in motion. I learned how to tell people "No" when they asked me to join student life groups. I picked two extra-curricular activities to do: soloing in church and private teaching while I performed and went to classes. I said "no," to going out when I could tell my body needed a night in. I spent time with friends out and about in Rochester only when I knew I would enjoy it, or at their apartments, but I reserved most of my R&R time just for me. I learned to love that alone time, and spent it cooking in my apartment, going for jogs down to Amanda's place, or cleaning and doing laundry on a lazy evening in while I'd practice. NO became a wonderful word; a savior. I never felt stretched too thin, was able to focus on what I was in school for, and I developed real friendships (that are still in place today) without guilt or obligation.

But, new habits soon become old/stubborn habits, and this past year I found myself saying "No" to way too many things. It became common practice for me to stick to what I knew; to "Play it safe" in the phase of life after graduation. I felt more comfortable with the people I had already established trust with, and with the activities I'd already set in place for my life. I began to exercise my "no" capabilities far more often than not. I don't necessarily regret that introspection, but I will admit that with closing myself off more came a certain "trapped" feeling, stagnancy, that I realized was an inevitable pitfall of being that way. Habits are formed so quickly, and "NO" was my most frequent habit - for better or for worse.

So, in the last few months I have pushed the boundaries to find an equilibrium I can handle. I have said "yes,'' to new experiences, career paths, friendships, and routines of being out when I'd much prefer to be in. I am still maintaining the "No" for putting too much on my plate, distracting myself from the real living that happens with others, and getting out there experiencing something new in life. It's been more about knowing what I can truly handle without going to the extremes, while being fully open to whatever experiences are coming my way. I've learned things about myself that I can see as "non-negotiables" and be proud of: I really like long meals with friends where we can talk and share. I'm not the introvert I thought I was. When I don't think for ten seconds before I say everything, I am usually a lot clearer. I am good at knowing when it's time to exit something, and when it's time to take a chance. I'm ready for new challenges. I can hem clothing. I don't HAVE to always be talkative to be out with people who are... and so on, and so forth. It's a subtle shift in energy that feels refreshing and exciting, and not in the least bit unhealthy.

It really goes on and on. But I do know that as I've managed to go into some of the less comfortable zones of my life fearlessly, I can only imagine where they might lead in the coming months. And I am very, very excited for Spring.