Yesterday was (beyond) a weird day for me.
It began the way I expected if I'm honest: I woke up before my alarm went off at 7AM. I scrolled through the notifications on my phone. I had almost no reaction as I read, without the exact details to back up what I knew just by glancing, the "Oh God. Please, God. No." Statuses. The sob emojis. The ".... You are *bleeping* kidding me." And then, from my trader friends attempting to make sense of the news and the immediate global economic turmoil, "WTF did you DO, America?!?!"
I read through them all. Facebook has conveniently filtered all of my newsfeed to omit absolutely any and all Trump-supporter statuses (something I am grateful for, in my need for self-protection). I shook my head a lot. I paced back and forth in my pajamas and slippers discussing with Bruno what this could mean for the next four + years. I mean, sure, I have the option to stay in Europe for at least 5 years at the moment, but I am an American, with deeply American roots, and my family is there. I have always wanted the option of confidently returning to my country without wondering what swift and unfriendly changes are in store for me, my partner and any subsequent family I bring back with me. That option has dimmed significantly in the wake of the past 48 hours.
These are not dramatic things to wonder about at this point. History has shown the way these current trends tend to go down. There's a perfectly understandable reason people are having straight up panic attacks in the States right now. But, I'm not going to convince my cousins and friends who voted for Trump to see reason. I'm done quoting his boasting about grabbing women inappropriately. I just wonder how ANY of my Christian friends could see this man as a worthy leader. We really aren't discussing Hillary anymore -- this is a sinful, disgusting, dangerous man and people I respect and love unconditionally voted him in. That is the fact that I am struggling to understand. And these same people have been chuckling and bragging and jeering about this without taking into account how freaking terrified we are -- and for good reason.
But I decided to calm down somewhere around 11AM yesterday when I realized that the world is continuing to turn, regardless of this outcome. I went to work. I had to go to the bank, handle paperwork regarding my Visa, email many of my wonderful friends and colleagues here.
I practiced music. I studied for my Dutch class in Amstelveen. With each vocabulary word and grammar lesson, I felt a knot releasing in the pit of my stomach. I took some deep breaths and turned off my facebook notifications (something, let's face it, all of us needs to do this week.)
I ended the evening at a football stadium watching the Netherlands and Belgium duke it out in a friendly game, shivering in my jacket and scarf next to Bruno and waving a Dutch flag while donning a Belgian scarf (my loyalties are a little bit mixed over here guys...) I watched the pride around me, the unbelievable excitement and joy and support. I kept thinking about my home country and how strange it is that they are so torn right now. So many of you are spewing hate because you have full reign to now. Because you feel you have something to prove. So many of you are burning American flags and insulting each others' education levels.
Where does that get anyone? And look, I'm just as guilty. I posted several things out of anger and frustration that would undoubtedly offend Trump supporters. It's just that I don't understand voting for a man like this. I would honestly love to hear why people did this. We all are stuck with him now, so fill me in, please.
But judging by the belligerence I keep seeing from the Trump supporters I DO know, I won't like what I hear. I don't understand hating on a single race of human being at this point in our evolution. I don't understand telling someone that he or she should not be allowed to marry whomever their heart desires. I don't understand taking away a woman's right to choose what to do with her body. Trump HAS threatened these things. It isn't media gossip. He has said these words. But it seems like everyone who supports him has nothing to say about these enormous issues. Clearly, I do not understand those that support this person, and I'm unlikely to no matter what they explain to me.
But I know that burning flags, staining walls with Swastikas and cursing each other out on facebook walls is only going to bring devastation to everyone, and my anger and frustration does nothing to help.
So, I have to focus back on my present right now. Tonight I am grateful for Holland. For peace, and a port in the storm. For the number of people who chuckled kindly to me yesterday and patted me on the back. To the man at the bank who recognized my urgency when I asked for help figuring out a detail to my Visa so I can work in the Netherlands more this coming year. I am grateful to the family I have here.
I have no clue what is in store for my future as an Expat, a woman, and an American citizen. Right now it feels uncertain and more than a little terrifying. But all any of us can do right now is take stock of where we are right this minute, who we are with, and what we plan to do about it.
