Decisions.

Reading my post from last Friday is pretty surreal to me right now. I know people say all kinds of dramatic things all the time, but honestly - my life has changed so much since that night. I originally thought about posting about Dad's accident Saturday morning, but every time I would start it the entry just felt wrong to type up. It was a gruesome and frightening accident for him, and to say that I am grateful to be home with him watching him heal right now - as cranky and in pain as I know he is - is such a huge understatement. It makes my stomach lurch to think about how different things almost were, and unbelievably grateful to the help we had on the road that day.

I will say this: I learned what happens to me in a moment of crisis like that - I become a short, bossy, commanding person and I'm pretty sure I demanded something of everyone around us that day. I don't even know if I was coherent in any of what I asked of everyone, but I hope they know I'm thankful. We were blessed to be riding on a team with several cyclists who also happen to be cops, who knew how to react and what to do, had a first aid kit on hand, and made it possible for my Dad to have the best and quickest care imaginable. I'll be a little shaky getting back on my bike in the coming weeks, but I will be able to knowing they are beside me.

Biking has changed a little for me, and I think that is inevitable. I am sure Dad will ride again, and I am still dedicated to it, but of course there's this broken innocence thing going on, "emo" though I know it sounds. It was a hobby that brought my family together, has made my Dad a terrific athlete, and has provided us all with a lot of therapy, so... it's an adjustment to re-frame my mind around seeing it also be life-threatening. Still, his battle wounds are pretty cool, and I am tempted to put his helmet up on a tumblr to encourage people to wear them. SERIOUSLY, I can't stress that one enough.

The week became a roller coaster ride. I went back to NYC Tuesday to an amazingly supportive group of people at Random House, and by yesterday - I had left Random House, and will be starting ANOTHER new job in a week and a half. I won't go into all of the details here, but it was for the best and I am calmer than I can say about the course of events.

Sitting with Dad for three days, coming back to work, and now being back upstate again with my tough, resilient family (it's been quite a year), I feel more than ever like re-evaluating. I felt forced to make some big decisions last week. I feel forced to make more, to move on, and to see the truth in things I've probably been avoiding seeing. It is not a bad thing to feel this way, it's just that I would rather be shaken into these things on my own - not by the universe ringing the bell for me.

So often, I think, we let life coast by without realizing our hand in the events that do happen to us. We'd rather "see how things go" than make the hard decisions - decisions to quit. (QUIT?). Decisions to leave someone, or something. Decisions to stop doing something, even if it feels good in the moment. Decisions to pursue something scary.

What are you avoiding ending/beginning/attempting? Who are you letting make you feel like just an option - when you should be fought for? Who are you treating like just an option?

After a week of unconditional love, for myself, for the amazing people who have been there during some very hard times this year (I can't shout out to Amanda or Justin enough, but I probably wouldn't have survived Saturday without their voices on the line...), and a week of the universe forcing perspective on me, I feel like I can answer the hard questions without fear. In fact, fear isn't even really a part of things anymore. Life is really short and miraculous. There's just no more time to waste.

Risk.

As I write this, I have all my running gear on from an earlier jogging attempt, a mug of hot tea beside me and some advil coursing through my system. I know tomorrow I have to get up at 5:30 AM in order to get breakfast and prepped in time for my second RFMC training ride - aiming for another 28 miles. Last Saturday we hit 28.19, and just yesterday it was a fast-paced 15 miles to the lake and back. I am getting used to this feeling at the end of the day - the soreness, once something I avoided like the plague, has started to become a nightly companion and friend. Within reason, I actually like that feeling; knowing I pushed a little more today, grew in strength, and reached a new goal. I've started getting accustomed to the aches that come with toning and muscle development. I've learned which shoes I should bike in (the barefoot sneakers), and which shoes I should run in (never the barefoot sneakers :) ). I've finally figured out how to handle the severe downward hills on these routes - a feeling of "free falling" on my hybrid that has often freaked me out. I'm learning how to signal and shout out when something is in the road or a car is coming, and I'm embracing being on the tail of another biker, in a team, trying to keep a pace as one of the pack.

This is a cool time. I've always been kind of a tomboy at heart - I took years of ballet, but the challenges of scaling mountains, learning how to outrun the fastest girls on the track team, or conquering the high bar in gymnastics appealed to me way more. I feel like, in my singing and in my physical life, I have this excess of energy I never know what to do with. I want to channel it - focus it into this super-energy that cuts through the distractions of life. It makes me want to practice Queen of the Night every single night, go for an 8 mile run, and then go out dancing with friends or something. I CAN'T BE STILL.

I don't know what the cause is, but I'm doing everything I can to find a way to deal with this. More coachings? More auditions? New repertoire across the board? Obviously new physical challenges, and this ridiculous need to BE more physical, constantly. I find myself crashing into things all the time, or tripping on my own two feet when I'm barely moving from one end of the office I work in to the other. Maybe I have suddenly developed ADHD. Maybe I need to completely quit drinking caffeine in any form.

I know I need to learn to quiet this, but at the same time - I don't want to. There's a feeling, a very strong one, of NOW. Now is the time to take risks like century rides or 10 mile hikes up mountains, or doing auditions I'd never take otherwise. Now is the time to move when I'm pushed to. Even if it means wiping out on every turn or eventually dissolving into a puddle of weakened exhaustion, I want to use these reserves and see where they take me.

So, I attempt at this only semi-decent hour, to get rest before tomorrow morning. I eagerly await the open road, the shouting teammates, and the endless stretch of challenges ahead of me. I think, what I'm eagerly awaiting most, is the confirmation within myself that I am stronger, and braver, than I knew I was.

That's the real reward after all this time.