CLAIMING 2017

I am sitting in my parents' upstate New York home, looking at the snow outside and surrounded by a calm I don't normally feel anywhere outside of this house. I am home.

I use that word, "home", to describe a number of places in my life. By some stroke of luck I have finally learned that, no matter how foreign I feel in it still, one of those homes is the Netherlands. In the last approximately 10 years, I've rented apartments, single to triple, decorated, maintained, and tailored to also feel like "home." Yet nothing quite matches the complete relief of being back at the Norman residence, where it all began: failures, losses, grief at times, serious illnesses, and also - not to be forgotten - triumphs and celebrations to match it all. My dog, a blind and almost-deaf yellow lab now aged almost 14 years, has a whiter face than I remember, but still wedges himself by my legs with his tail slowly wagging as if we were both 10 years younger again.

The one prevailing thought I found myself waking up to today, the first day in the new year, was: I'm doing just fine.

For so many years, I was, honestly, not. I was weighed down by unhealthy relationships, with friends, family, co-workers, roommates, but most importantly myself. I was plagued by a seemingly constant guilt from everywhere across the board: my student loans and subsequent financial inadequacy, my inability to be good enough in any job and on the flip side- the successes I found in traveling or in performing, which inevitably felt like things I should apologize for (for some god forsaken reason I'm still trying to figure out). I found myself doing that - apologizing - constantly, endlessly, for things no one should, especially if they are trying to make a life they are proud of (and avoid being walked completely over). I would see the way others were suffering and begin sacrificing what I really wanted in this world for hoping to be liked and accepted. In short, I gave up me for them - all of them. Whomever they even were. The result was a feeling of loneliness like none other - the very thing I thought I would be avoiding.

So, while waking up on January 1st thinking "I'm fine" may seem pretty lame considering I lead a happy life and had many blessings to count when I cheered for the new year with my family last night... it was actually one of the bigger triumphs. For the last five years, for many reasons, I would wake up worried. I would think over the bank statements. The harsh words spoken with a friend or colleague. The threat to my job security. An upcoming audition. Or, I would wake up feeling lost without any idea why. Seeing exactly what I did not want from my life transformed the entire landscape, however, and led me to now.

I concluded 2016 with a resolution never to wake up unsure again. Here are the rest of my resolutions, and I hope you'll do them with me:

• It begins with work. Work I love to do, not necessarily what others want me to do. It may not always be convenient, easy or fun. But it will be what I do because I'm called to it and it fills me with purpose, and it will be prioritized. After years of always saying yes to things I wasn't completely passionate or sure of, I'm the most nervous for this one, but also ready. 
• I will learn to stop apologizing. I am clumsy. I am the girl who crashes into things or drops things or spills. I am learning a new language, so I misspeak at times, or struggle with being clear. I make mistakes, sometimes need to take space from others and don't always make the right jokes. These things will all continue to happen, no matter how hard I'll try to fit the expectations of others, but on that note...
• I will stop trying to be what others want me to be. I am not yet a mother. I am not yet fluent in Dutch. I am not always grounded, zen or profound. Sometimes I'm average, and that's the best I can be that day. One day, dammit, I will learn how to do laundry without losing half of the socks. But this year might not be the year for that.
• I will volunteer more, because while my work is not for free, the desire to help others certainly is and should be utilized. It is not enough just to say I'm there and concerned about worldly matters - I will get over my shyness or stage fright and put some elbow grease into it from now on. 
• I will make my health, exercise, and time a priority. No matter what. I will ignore the unhealthy influence that is my inner Julie nudging me towards the box of chocolates, bottle of wine, or extra hour of Netflix when it is already 11PM. 
• To be every single women's catalog cliche (and about two years late to the party): I will say NO. I'll say yes to the golden opportunities that arise (auditions for productions I know I want to sing in, travel experiences, blogging, getting more creative with youtube, whatever fits the bill), and NO to the things that I know deep down I do not want to do, no matter what price is on them, and I will stand my ground.
• I will speak more Dutch. (<-gonna hate this one in a few days when I'm jetlagged back in Amsterdam).

This list will undoubtedly be added to and changed, but there you have it.

So here I sit, starting yet another new year. At home, for another few days before it's back to expat-land. I brought bags from Amsterdam (along with a few from the past year), a very tall, dashing Belgian who is crazy enough to come along for the ride, and I find myself in my PJs, makeup-less, and recycling some ancient thoughts I work so hard to rid myself of each year but never quite do. It's the end of one year, and although the changing of months to the 1st of the next all other 11 such periods of the calendar never seem too ceremonial, this one  - of course - always does. Goodbye 2016. You were quick, heavy, important, and I for one (seemingly the only one) am actually somewhat sorry you're over. But I was ready for that.

Happy New Year.