Decisions.

Reading my post from last Friday is pretty surreal to me right now. I know people say all kinds of dramatic things all the time, but honestly - my life has changed so much since that night. I originally thought about posting about Dad's accident Saturday morning, but every time I would start it the entry just felt wrong to type up. It was a gruesome and frightening accident for him, and to say that I am grateful to be home with him watching him heal right now - as cranky and in pain as I know he is - is such a huge understatement. It makes my stomach lurch to think about how different things almost were, and unbelievably grateful to the help we had on the road that day.

I will say this: I learned what happens to me in a moment of crisis like that - I become a short, bossy, commanding person and I'm pretty sure I demanded something of everyone around us that day. I don't even know if I was coherent in any of what I asked of everyone, but I hope they know I'm thankful. We were blessed to be riding on a team with several cyclists who also happen to be cops, who knew how to react and what to do, had a first aid kit on hand, and made it possible for my Dad to have the best and quickest care imaginable. I'll be a little shaky getting back on my bike in the coming weeks, but I will be able to knowing they are beside me.

Biking has changed a little for me, and I think that is inevitable. I am sure Dad will ride again, and I am still dedicated to it, but of course there's this broken innocence thing going on, "emo" though I know it sounds. It was a hobby that brought my family together, has made my Dad a terrific athlete, and has provided us all with a lot of therapy, so... it's an adjustment to re-frame my mind around seeing it also be life-threatening. Still, his battle wounds are pretty cool, and I am tempted to put his helmet up on a tumblr to encourage people to wear them. SERIOUSLY, I can't stress that one enough.

The week became a roller coaster ride. I went back to NYC Tuesday to an amazingly supportive group of people at Random House, and by yesterday - I had left Random House, and will be starting ANOTHER new job in a week and a half. I won't go into all of the details here, but it was for the best and I am calmer than I can say about the course of events.

Sitting with Dad for three days, coming back to work, and now being back upstate again with my tough, resilient family (it's been quite a year), I feel more than ever like re-evaluating. I felt forced to make some big decisions last week. I feel forced to make more, to move on, and to see the truth in things I've probably been avoiding seeing. It is not a bad thing to feel this way, it's just that I would rather be shaken into these things on my own - not by the universe ringing the bell for me.

So often, I think, we let life coast by without realizing our hand in the events that do happen to us. We'd rather "see how things go" than make the hard decisions - decisions to quit. (QUIT?). Decisions to leave someone, or something. Decisions to stop doing something, even if it feels good in the moment. Decisions to pursue something scary.

What are you avoiding ending/beginning/attempting? Who are you letting make you feel like just an option - when you should be fought for? Who are you treating like just an option?

After a week of unconditional love, for myself, for the amazing people who have been there during some very hard times this year (I can't shout out to Amanda or Justin enough, but I probably wouldn't have survived Saturday without their voices on the line...), and a week of the universe forcing perspective on me, I feel like I can answer the hard questions without fear. In fact, fear isn't even really a part of things anymore. Life is really short and miraculous. There's just no more time to waste.