I am extremely homesick. I am homesick for old times, old friends, and family I cannot visit with. I miss my cousin, so much more tonight than I have in a long time. It's not an anniversary or a birthday or anything, just one of those evenings I would have gone to his facebook page and written something ridiculous, or - rather than writing here - would have written him a scrolling, novel e-mail with all my worries and sadness and quirkiness rolled into it.
I miss my cousin. I miss 'my cuz,' with his silly laugh and his loud affectionate voice. I miss him calling me Juju, Ben 'benj,' Allison 'small'... I miss all the jokes mixed in with wisdom. I need him all the time - I always needed his advice, and maybe it's even selfish of me to look back on that. What did I give him? I hope love. Affection. Adoration. I am sure he knew I loved and adored him, but I don't know if I really brought anything more than that into his life. Yes, I realize it's silly to say 'love' like that's something small and insignificant, but the mark he made on my life - and not just because he left it too soon - was much much more powerful than that.
I need my family. I need people to lean on. But, I wish I didn't. Oh, I wish I were this thick-skinned, hardened person without any sensitivities or emotions. I would never get hurt; never feel sadness like this. I wouldn't worry so much about my Dad healing from his accident. I wouldn't be so anxious about the next steps in my career, or the relationships in play in my life. I wouldn't blush and fidget in my shyness at work. If I could just feel less, I would get so so much more done.
....And I would have been asleep a good three hours ago.
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| Just a typical happy family shot from when I was probably 2, getting bunny ears from Lynn. |
You mention that the mark your cousin made on your life feels so much more significant than the one you must have made on his, but (and I think you know this, but it's good to hear it sometimes) never underestimate the power of "simple" love and adoration.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, actually oftentimes, that is the most powerful feeling we can have, the one with an undeniable, lasting impact on a person. And your warmth and care and love toward all you consider close is incredible, Julie! As much as you feel like you need to lean on others, surely they will from time to time lean on you and you shine in these experiences whether you realize it or not. :)