Chillin the *bleep* out.
Stress has shown up in my life in many different ways: First and foremost, insomnia. If there is something on my mind, I will lie awake and toss and turn as if I just drank three espressos. From insomnia (and lowered immunity due to the stress itself), I will catch a cold. Depending on my level of stress and exhaustion, that cold can sometimes linger for weeks or turn into something much worse.
I would not by any means describe my life in Amsterdam as stressful, however events do arise no matter where I am in the world that impact me like anyone else. In January, my grandfather passed away on my birthday, which was painful enough to deal with while living so far from my family. Then, in the immediate weeks and months following, I went through a stressful and aggravating (annoying) personal issue with someone in my life at the time that made me feel powerless, insecure and overall miserable. I had a very difficult time sleeping and developed a chest cold that lasted weeks, made me lose my voice, and eventually led to my being out of the game for over a month. There is a lesson to be learned here, big time: life should never have to be put on hold due to stress.
So during that time, I decided to learn how to protect myself from the toxic energy that can arise as a result of these circumstances. In my opinion (and experience), it is a choice to let ourselves lean into the negativity. But sometimes we're just too damn exhausted or overwhelmed by the issues at hand to combat them with our otherwise badass mentalities.
Since I was in Europe, I decided to stop laying in bed feeling sick all the time, and I got out there. I spent a weekend taking care of myself - whatever that meant to me at the time - and ignoring my cell phone, my worries, and the list of things I "should get to." I had the apartment to myself, a rare thing, and I hopped on the tram with my ear buds in, setting out into the center of Amsterdam without much of a plan except to enjoy myself. I wandered to Museumplein where the Rijksmuseum and Van Goh Museum are, and then headed towards Spui - an area filled with shopping, coffee shops, cafes (there's a big difference here, by the way), and grabbed some coffee while I wandered. I wound up heading home with a couple of Lush "Bath Bombs", a bottle of wine, some veggies from Albert Heijn and a plan to fully relax that evening. By the end of the weekend I had pampered, Netflix'd, and cooked myself into a completely different human and I was ready to hit the ground running the very next week with a new lease on life.
I made it my mission after that dark winter month to find ways, no matter what, of keeping myself grounded and removed from stress and anxiety. I was seeing the negative impact that had on my overall wellbeing. I saw the repercussions in my interactions with the humans in my life - both big and tiny (I babysit for my friends' kids every week). I watched my energy decline in my runs, yoga sessions, and especially in my singing. In the past, being busy (and even stressed) was always something people bragged about when they were supposedly doing really well in their ambitions. But I realized that, for me, this significantly cut down my productivity and made me a pretty pathetic human being. So, no more.
And, if I still have your attention, here are some of my standby ways of relaxing - no matter how stressful life gets:
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| Pillows and Tea are not on this list, although they are a good place to begin. |
This may be controversial - but it works for me, so I'm going to put it down in the first spot.
Whenever stress hits - be it due to some crisis in your life, a build up of way too many things going on, a personal relationship giving you grief or financial struggle (or all of the above) - we tend to want to fix it immediately. At least, I do. I want to find solutions, resolve everything, understand what went wrong, basically dissect the crap out of what is happening instead of waiting for solutions to pop up.
On one hand, this is a good thing. It's never great to be complacent and allow unhealthy situations to perpetuate themselves in our lives. Being action-oriented has never failed me. But sometimes, the solution just isn't available immediately and trying to put out every single fire is not possible. Focusing in on all of the things going wrong is going to undermine your confidence, potential to find the right solution, rather than just the quickest, and can build up longterm depression.
So, just for a day or two, (unless there is a life-or-death situation on the line), give it a rest. You do not have to break up with that person immediately if you are feeling on the fence and confused - and frankly, you shouldn't if you are in that state anyway. You do not need to apply for a loan at the bank this very second if you're not sure of all the numbers and figures. You can decide to quit your job next week. Or, you can meet with your boss when you're in a better mindset to go over what is going wrong at your job tomorrow. But today, just temporarily, stop the thoughts from flowing. Do whatever it takes to find a release from the worries. Turn off your cell phone. Meditate. Go for a run or to a yoga class. Decide to go to bed three hours earlier. Cancel any plans with others (unless seeing people will help distract you from your worries for a little while). Whatever will help you let go, do it. (Without going overboard or harming yourself with drugs and alcohol).
Clean (or meditate).
Again, this is my list. So just go with it, please. ;)
All my life (or, the last three years), I have tried to meditate as often as I can remember to. I see an immediate difference if I do - the fog lifts, I feel grounded in my body, and I generally find it easier to pick apart the negative thoughts from the positive ones and clear up whatever is bothering me much faster. But to be completely honest with you: It's not my favorite way to calm down. When I'm at 9 on a scale of 1-10 (10 being my head is exploding), it's very hard for me to find the quiet within myself to shrink down to a 3 or 4. I still have that restless energy. I still need to do something.
I have often said that the state of my room reflects the inside of my head. So, I clean. I will get every rag we have out, with all of our cleaning products. I will toss clutter into trash bags, take every item off of table tops and other various surfaces, and wipe them down, scrubbing at any stubborn spots. Any dish not inside a cupboard or the dishwasher will be tackled with a sponge and dish soap until it is put safely home again. I'll do all my laundry and vacuum and mop the floors. This becomes meditative for me: I put on music (usually instrumental), and focus on the previously cluttered or messy spaces now clearing up - each item of clothing, paper or dish being removed and placed somewhere better. As I do this, I not only begin to feel calmer, but I also feel re-energized to get back to work the next day, waking up in a house that is organized, cleaned from top to bottom and ready for my work mode.
Honestly, this ritual just makes me feel like an adult again. Like I have my ish together, and don't need to be stressed about any additional challenges in my life. In the end, I'll usually light a candle or go buy a blanket to throw on my bed and sink into the relief of the new home. While being clean in general is normal, going through the house like this is a different practice, and one I use as often as I can.
Write.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I use this one the most. It helps, but there is a caveat: Know when to stop writing about the problems you are facing.
I use this in a variety of ways. I have many drafts in these bloggers (I have two accounts, as you may have noticed from my page if you were curious enough to look that far :) ), most of which I do not ever post. I sit down to type whatever strikes me once or twice a day when I have a break to drink some tea and answer emails. It has become a therapeutic practice unlike any other. Sometimes, I will glance back over the drafts and pull one up, edit it for public use, and post it here. But most of the time, Blogger is a place for me to dump ideas, thoughts, or worries.
Then, there is the "real" writing: by hand, on whatever paper I can get in the moment. This method is used for those times when I cannot get a thought out of my head and need to physically take it and put it down and forget about it. Whenever I've had worries about things I just simply cannot control, this has worked best. Left a message for my boss about something that needed help asap, and haven't heard back yet? Let it go. Use real writing as your practical technique for handling a situation.
My favorite thing to do when faced with a major issue in life is to make a 'Solution Map'. This works as follows:
Top of the page: The Problem. (Example: "I can't find a job.") Circle your problem so that it is surrounded by a bubble (a thought bubble, if you will), then draw about 5-10 lines downward. Beneath each of those vertical lines, write a possible solution to the main problem. (Such as: "Contact three professionals I know today who can help me get a leg up" or "Update Linkedin and bookmark positions I am interested in", etc. ) Encircle those with bubbles, too. Then from each of those, more vertical lines. These are your Action Items. (For instance: Under "Contact three professionals I know..." you can write their names and email addresses and a time you will email them that day, to hold yourself accountable.)
This starts to show you what your next steps are to conquering your problem, or - as frustrating as it may be - it will show you if you simply don't have control of this one, and the only real Action Item is to wait. For me, it gives permission to let go when I otherwise want to control, change, and impact the result. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes it takes going to the effort of mapping out whatever is possible before I come to that conclusion. No matter what, if I do this, I start to feel better.
Back to the earlier point: with journaling- both online and by hand- there comes a point where you need to stop focusing on the problems. You perpetuate your own reality as much as you want to. If you're unhappy about the same thing and keep writing or talking about it, it is going to stay put as a worry in your life. That can make it very hard to move on. A good way to go is to simply write it down and decide that it is out of your hands, except for the action items you have given yourself. If it's an emotional issue, you decide how much processing time you want to give it. Try to keep it moving rather than rooted in the same cycle. You should be able to look back at your writing and see progression and growth, rather than be dragged back into darkness.
Move.
For me, moving means getting my butt out there - running by the river, or jumping on the tram to the center of Amsterdam to see some canals and grab some street food and a coffee and shake myself out of my own funk.
On the rarest of rare occasions, moving meant literally moving. I was unhappy where I was living, or in the job I was in, and felt like I absolutely had to leave in order to get out of that negativity. I didn't do this until I had vetted all other options (using the above method of Solution Mapping), but at least one of my major moves in life (moving to New York City after Graduate School, for instance), came from this. I was ready to move on and start a new chapter.
On a smaller scale, however, moving can be something as simple as packing up and going to a new apartment or neighborhood in the town you live in. It can be similar to "Clean", above, where you take all of your items and move them to new homes in your house - or outdoors.
As a travel lover, with extreme wanderlust, TRAVELING always seems to do the trick. Living in Europe is the best place for me, because the fact that I can hop on a train and spend an afternoon in Lille, France, is pretty amazing to me and helps me get a whole new perspective on life. It doesn't have to even be that far; your own State or town has sights to see. Go for a hike in woods nearby. Take a 20 minute jog. Drive across town, making sure to blast the right music and go by places you like to see. Find a way to inspire yourself and get out of your rut. It's a choice - stay rooted, or move. I almost always pick move.
Make Over.
This is really dependent on you and whatever way you lean. For some, this can be a typical makeover - getting a facial and doing your nails, buying new clothes, whatever you can think of.
For me, this usually is more of a spiritual practice. Whenever I feel a lot of negative energy, I know there is something out of whack in me. Either something major has happened to cause it, or I'm not taking care of myself a certain way. I'm not taking the time to adapt and change to the current environment, and I am looking at the past with longing. I've been thinking a lot lately about a quote I heard (and cannot remember where) that goes "Adapt or die." It was probably in regards to evolution - how we, as a species, need to adapt to the new conditions of our planet or risk dying out. I believe this applies to our evolution on personal levels as well.
How much of your stress is learned, for instance? Are you really scared about having enough money, or are you getting by just fine and allowing your nerves to be frayed over your budget because it is a habit you've perpetuated through the years? Were your parents so obsessed with making enough money while you were growing up, that being nervous about finances was the norm and therefore being calm about it is not something that comes naturally to you?
Did you know that it can become something you're relaxed about, rather than scared or anxious? Because that is a choice. No one is putting you in handcuffs. You have a roof over your head. You have the internet in some form, because you are reading this. You can change this side of yourself.
For years, I have let myself be controlled in some way by everyones' opinion of me. At work, especially as a musician, this dictated what I did from one day to the next. I would select the pieces of music I believed would impress others, even if I didn't particularly like singing them. I would spend 12 hours checking emails and attempting to put fires out left and right on the job, even if I was the only one really noticing my work - and was not actually making progress anywhere (especially not in my own sanity). I would always try to hang on to what I had learned was expected of me, rather than growing in an honest way - allowing myself to adapt and change as some circumstances no longer worked for me. The result was - you guessed it - utter failure, and me crumpled up in my bed wondering why I couldn't get anywhere in my life. (This is an overdramatization. But you get the gist).
Maybe I don't sing the way I did when I was 28 anymore. That's okay, because I don't want to be that person anymore either. I'm different. I've learned new languages, new repertoire and new and interesting pieces of music. I've walked in new lands and met new faces. Maybe I don't look the same as I did then. Maybe I can't eat the same foods, or budget my time in exactly the same way. Maybe I am just different now, and I can resist that, or I can evolve.
I think that, by the age of 30, most of us are a combination of habits we developed in our upbringing and school (and work), and the other side of us that is entirely genuine and unique, always open to what comes next. THAT is the side I think needs more attention. Half the time, when I am very stressed about a particular subject in my life, I come to the conclusion that I'm worried about it mainly because it's an area I have always reacted to in stress, without knowing why exactly. A bear is not usually chasing me down the street, so my stress reaction isn't (most of the time) a protective response to my environment, saving me from dire straits or imminent danger.
So how does this have to do with a "makeover"? Simple, really: You've always whined about not having a boyfriend? So, stop. Decide right now that you're going to enjoy what you have, keep trying to live the good life you are living and put yourself out there. And if you meet someone amazing and fall in love, awesome. And if you don't, at least you're not like everyone else, stressing about having a boyfriend. You're making something of your life, which is, by the way, going to run with or without a man by your side.
If you're scared about finances, you're unlikely to actually make any moves towards improving it. So, find a way to make over your outlook. Stop getting scared, start getting motivated, and look for ways you are wealthy already. They're there - you're just too busy looking at what you do not have.
Obviously I'm not saying that you cannot react to real problems in life with stress and worry; but life is always changing and evolving. It will never stop doing so. You can get a lot further riding the wave than fighting it in the undertow.
These are (some) ways I find work for me, and there are hundreds more that come with the territory. If you've read them all, hope they help a little. Happy relaxing.
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