Risk.

As I write this, I have all my running gear on from an earlier jogging attempt, a mug of hot tea beside me and some advil coursing through my system. I know tomorrow I have to get up at 5:30 AM in order to get breakfast and prepped in time for my second RFMC training ride - aiming for another 28 miles. Last Saturday we hit 28.19, and just yesterday it was a fast-paced 15 miles to the lake and back. I am getting used to this feeling at the end of the day - the soreness, once something I avoided like the plague, has started to become a nightly companion and friend. Within reason, I actually like that feeling; knowing I pushed a little more today, grew in strength, and reached a new goal. I've started getting accustomed to the aches that come with toning and muscle development. I've learned which shoes I should bike in (the barefoot sneakers), and which shoes I should run in (never the barefoot sneakers :) ). I've finally figured out how to handle the severe downward hills on these routes - a feeling of "free falling" on my hybrid that has often freaked me out. I'm learning how to signal and shout out when something is in the road or a car is coming, and I'm embracing being on the tail of another biker, in a team, trying to keep a pace as one of the pack.

This is a cool time. I've always been kind of a tomboy at heart - I took years of ballet, but the challenges of scaling mountains, learning how to outrun the fastest girls on the track team, or conquering the high bar in gymnastics appealed to me way more. I feel like, in my singing and in my physical life, I have this excess of energy I never know what to do with. I want to channel it - focus it into this super-energy that cuts through the distractions of life. It makes me want to practice Queen of the Night every single night, go for an 8 mile run, and then go out dancing with friends or something. I CAN'T BE STILL.

I don't know what the cause is, but I'm doing everything I can to find a way to deal with this. More coachings? More auditions? New repertoire across the board? Obviously new physical challenges, and this ridiculous need to BE more physical, constantly. I find myself crashing into things all the time, or tripping on my own two feet when I'm barely moving from one end of the office I work in to the other. Maybe I have suddenly developed ADHD. Maybe I need to completely quit drinking caffeine in any form.

I know I need to learn to quiet this, but at the same time - I don't want to. There's a feeling, a very strong one, of NOW. Now is the time to take risks like century rides or 10 mile hikes up mountains, or doing auditions I'd never take otherwise. Now is the time to move when I'm pushed to. Even if it means wiping out on every turn or eventually dissolving into a puddle of weakened exhaustion, I want to use these reserves and see where they take me.

So, I attempt at this only semi-decent hour, to get rest before tomorrow morning. I eagerly await the open road, the shouting teammates, and the endless stretch of challenges ahead of me. I think, what I'm eagerly awaiting most, is the confirmation within myself that I am stronger, and braver, than I knew I was.

That's the real reward after all this time.