For Grandpa

Always making me laugh, playing with Grandpa when I was probably 2 years old.

Writing this, I'm aware it's going to be a very sentimental and possibly sad post. But, that's not my intention - it wouldn't be what Grandpa wants, or anyone else in my family for that matter. It's not sad to me, but it is realistic for my life right now, and I hope that makes it okay to write.

My Grandpa Allison (Bob), has been an enormous part of my upbringing for my entire life. From before I can remember, he's been the granddad to sling me over his shoulder, tickle me, nickname me and above all, make it abundantly clear that HE LOVES his grandchildren. In short: for all the negativity and fear of being "too soft" in this world, Grandpa A has always been there to fight back with a huge, beaming smile and an overjoyed, overflowing amount of love. When asked how he is, he has always replied with "I've been blessed! Look at my family! I've been blessed. God's been good to me."

Whether we were unemployed, struggling in school, recently dumped or rejected or on top of the world, he has always loved us with an abundance of affection and joy, never more or less. No matter what our dreams have been, he has always been there to believe in us firmly, with so much praise it would sometimes feel embarrassing. "I just ran on the treadmill a few minutes, Grandpa! I am NOT a future Olympics contender. I don't think." Maybe I am, actually, with his enthusiasm!

Above all else, Grandpa has always had an incredible faith in God. Every time I visited him growing up, I could be sure he'd talk about two things: fitness (he was a physical trainer for many years at the YMCA, and is still in great shape for his age), and his faith. I'd get the same question: "How is your relationship with God going?" (a question I wish more people would ask me about now, actually), followed by the same statement: "You've got a friend in Jesus, and a God that loves you. Don't forget that." He'd go on to say it was well with his soul. I never once doubted it was. In fact, "It Is Well With My Soul," is his favorite hymn, so much so that he would bring it up multiple times whenever I'd visit. My cousin Allison and I even sang it, wobbly voiced and emotional (on my part - Alli sounded awesome), at the surprise concert our family threw for my Grandma and Grandpa Allison's 60th Wedding Anniversary 2 years ago.

As I grew up, I questioned my faith a lot. I went to temple, read texts on Taoism, Buddhism and Reiki. I went to church, joined youth groups, went to bible studies, and sought after what was true in my soul. Sometimes I even didn't appreciate Grandpa's faith because it felt as though I was being told what to believe. (Anyone who knows me understands that there's nothing I fight against more than being told what to feel or think, or judged by either.) I also felt envious of his extremely unshakable belief. How did he know there is a Heaven? How was he so sure that we are loved by a God?? And, what about Jesus? What made him so sure that Jesus was the son of God, and not just another very impressive and inspiring man? I wanted to believe as firmly as he did. I constantly tried to pick his brain, to see if he would falter in his beliefs. He never did.

I would sit at his feet in their house in Pennsylvania, the mountains looming nearby in their living room deck windows, on the soft carpet as he rocked and talked to me about the bible. I'd listen closely as he went on and on about Job, a story he told so well and lit up when he thought of it (and now, I understand more about why). He would recount the stories he liked, laugh at verses that rang particularly true to him, and suddenly punctuate what he was saying with an inspirational quote summing it all up- sometimes his own. He would grow serious, warning of what temptations lay in the world I was trying to make my way in. He would get lost, staring over my head in thought, rambling on about our current political climate (often with opinions I disagreed with but bit my tongue about ;) ), the problems with youth these days, and how to apply the teachings of the bible to our everyday relationships and health practices. Then, he'd remember I was there and his eyes would twinkle with his unconditional love as he reassured me that I was going to do great things in my life. I never got The Answers I was seeking in his certainty, but I was always comforted.

Grandpa was diagnosed about 2 years ago with Alzheimer's, a disease I am more and more desperate there'd be a cure for. It all started, really, when we noticed he could not remember who my boyfriend at the time was, though they'd been introduced a few times. Now, he doesn't recognize me and we have to meet again and again each time I visit with him. He has continued going to church and continued to be a loving, wonderful grandfather and man in life, but his memory has deteriorated significantly. Alzheimer's is so complicated, with one minute seeing the person you've known your whole life light up, and the next having to meet a complete stranger. To talk too much about what that's been like would be a bit too painful right now, and wouldn't be how he'd like to be talked about anyway.

One thing that fascinates me, is that his loving heart and faith have not faltered in his condition. He doesn't know me as well by name; he doesn't have the same vivid memories I do (right now!) of our time together, but I always sense that he knows me somehow. His hugs are still as tight and long, he still calls me "sweetie" and says he loves me, and I believe him. And when we ask him how he's doing, he always still says "Life is good. I've been blessed."

And because I know that, it truly is well with my soul.