I Am Allergic to Amsterdam

There are a lot of things I want to say about my time in Europe this summer, but for some reason on this humid Saturday the best I can do to start is to say that my allergies are just thriving in this world of old dusty buildings and trees.

I am the world's biggest red-eyed, sneezing fan of Europe. Seriously.

Epic mosquito bites that turn into welts because, I guess, Dutch mosquitoes carry an infinitely more powerful bite than American ones... the leaves on all these foreign trees, the flowers in Spain my sinuses could not handle, the mold inside amazing, ancient cathedrals. All of this has turned me into a pill-popping, puffy, splotchy, caffeine-addicted Goddess. Sex-ayyyy.

Well anyway, other than that there's not a lot to say.

JUST kidding!

Nearing the three-month mark on my Tourist Visa in Europe, I feel like an entirely different person. This summer has been like a musical and personal boot camp for me. I came out here with one intention: to travel a little and see what would unfold this summer with the one or two opera projects I was set out for. I'm ending the summer with an entirely new chapter unfolding.

One thing I've learned is that the goals we set for ourselves are no joke. I have, in the past, set 'goals' that were unreachable at the time, or simply out of my control. When I couldn't reach them I was inevitably angry at the world and myself, feeling incapable of achieving my dreams. That word, too, has plagued me for my whole life. "Dream" always seems to imply that one enormous, un-gettable thing you want that is impractical or slightly too incredible. Singing is not a "dream". I have been singing since before I could speak full sentences. Singing as my sole career track? Sure, that has been my dream for a long time, especially when I was in school and not yet ready for the demands.

Now, making that career happen is not a dream. Your ambition in life is not a fantasy; it is a reality - even when the track you are aiming for seems unattainable, like becoming a movie star or an astronaut. If you want to become British Royalty, well, that might be a different story... but Prince Harry IS still single (I think?). Still, no one gets to decide that for you anyway. I have spent many years trying to change my goals to please others, and all it did was delay what I really wanted.

Having a performing career was the next step in the journey, and I had to come to terms with that in my own time. There are about a million ways to make an operatic career realistic. It entails day jobs, or taking gigs so that there's growth and a little cash flow. It means teaching lessons sometimes. For awhile for me it meant gaining skills in the music business world and working in that environment as I performed on weekends for a few years. I have no regrets about those experiences, but I will admit, impatience has often been the undercurrent of my life.

Coaching at the DNO for the summer program.

So this summer I made the leap to Europe. I start this journey of auditions, gigs, performances and immersion into the European culture in Amsterdam while living with one of my best friends (a sister, truthfully, at this point) and her two beautiful girls. My Dutch life has been filled wonderfully by two worlds: one involves playing dress up with those mini Princesses while they run around with jam on their faces and a strong love of drawing, pink, and games of piggy-back... it is filled with tons of love and laughter. The other is consisting of hours of memorizing music, going to coach that music, performing/ rehearsing/ learning at the opera house and preparing for a future that includes possibilities expanding wildly before my eyes.

A year ago, as I was recovering from a tonsillectomy and feeling wiped out by the push and pull of NYC life, if you had told me this was the future, I would have laughed in your face...but I'm so glad it is.

I realize that while my career is just one aspect of my life, and not always an easy or glamorous road... It is paved by dreams I find myself able to fulfill very often, so I know it is the right path. Those dreams include being able to play with my loved ones all over the world. Getting to travel. Learning new cultures and languages. Finding out how strong I can be and learning from the strength of the incredible people who cross that path. Sometimes it's also marked with loneliness, uncertainty and fear... but those things are a part of everything important in life, and not enough to give up.

So, regardless of where this year goes, I'll try to tell the little stories as often as I can. Thanks for being a part of the madness if you're reading.

Now on to a whole new chapter...