My first realization was that I had picked a country where the worlds' tallest human beings dwell (I am barely over 5'). My second was that Dutch is an extremely complicated language to pick up if you've only spoken English and smatterings of French for your entire life. Life challenges: Go!
On June 8th, (my first full day in the Netherlands) I woke up jetlagged and groggy to a few notes Sera left for me, and however many Nespresso pods I could get my hands on. I didn't really have anything to do except settle in, get my apartment keys made, and so on, but I still felt overwhelmed. "The bakery is on Maasstraat. Keys are across from Blokker." Her notes read simply and clearly, typical of Sera, so I set out on my way, day 1 of this Dutch experience, no idea what was in store for me.
Coming from the routine of my NYC life (wake up, work at 10AM, home around 7, maybe yoga, maybe dinner out, probably some laundry or something, blah blah blah), with its stable income and predictable day-to-day, this entirely new world at my fingertips was something I still can't wrap my head around or describe. It sounds awesome (and, of course, it was), but at the time I just kept thinking... "what the hell am I doing???" I felt like I was skipping school, breaking the rules, rebelling. I was aware of how very far away my entire life was... and if I'm honest, that was the main thing comforting me alongside Amsterdam's insane beauty and the Stroopwaffles on every store shelf.
I have always been proud of my life and what's been given to me, but I was not a happy person when I left the States, and embarking on an adventure this large felt slightly reckless at the time. I had just been suddenly laid off, felt completely rejected by many aspects of my life in NYC, and was very unsure of what to trust in the world. I saw myself, at 30 years old, settling for things that made me feel miserable or helpless. Seeing some truly messed up behaviors in others, and shrugging it off because "well, that's just how it goes..."
I felt like I was experiencing things that didn't (and shouldn't) fit my life at all. Colleagues in my profession who judged and shamed one another as if they were still in high school. A dating scene filled with self-proclaimed 'ballers' (players), who cheated and lied and shamelessly disrespected women - it seems like anyone from NYC adjusts to that as a dating 'norm', but I could not handle it as a reality of relationships in our culture. 'Words' like 'ghosting,' 'negging,' 'dtf', 'side piece,' and so on were all a part of regular conversation while I lived in that city, and it's sad to look back on now. We laughed when we found out about the double lives led by people who had been intimate with us, because what else would we do? Cry into our drinks in silence? I guess at times we did that, too. I suppose a city that large, with so many mixed viewpoints and cultures, is bound to create a lot of challenges to the dating scene... but what amazed me were the repeat examples of just a lack of human decency, which should be a fundamental concept at this point. These things made my life in NY feel heavy, confusing, and way too complicated.
There are so many things in New York that I love, and I will always think of it as my first home... but when I left for Europe, I felt eager to fully start over. Maybe it was just an end of a chapter that made me 'one, two, step' outta there, but if I'm going to share the motivating thoughts that made me want to find a new way of life, well, here they are (were).
Well, that, and the fact that I suddenly had months ahead of me to use wisely, and when someone presents an opportunity like "Come to Europe, sing some opera, decide what you want to do from there" and you have severance pay and nothing keeping you rooted ---- you go to Europe.
Running off to be an Expat wasn't a traditional game plan for moving on, but it actually wasn't even the plan at the time. I just kept thinking 'What better way to strengthen who I am, and what I've done with my life, than to go learn from new worlds/ cultures/ languages??' And that was my motivation. After day one, keys made, connections laid out and a few quick gigs to keep me on my feet, one week quickly led to the next, and the next. Suddenly, I was in a movement class in a Dutch National Opera rehearsal room, and coaching 'Caro Nome' with their Opera Studio vocal coach. I was learning how to mime as part of their opera workshop. I was presenting my materials in the small theater, and then being told over coffee by the director of that summer program that I should stay in Europe and sing. And when a director of an opera program in Europe recommends that you move to Europe to continue singing as a professional ---- you move to Europe. Especially if you already love it there.
What I have to wholeheartedly celebrate is what happened after those first days and weeks here. The months that unfolded last summer empowered me in ways I had never known before. I kept finding myself walking down the streets to a rehearsal or audition without stress or concern, even when I was running late. If I missed the tram, it was okay, I hopped on a bike. If my friends proposed we go to Spain for a week or London and I could afford it, I went, eager to find out what that would show me. I stopped setting out to 'make something happen,' and I started waiting to see what was supposed to happen. I opted, always, to do what felt best to me. To step out of my comfort zone, as long as that outer area still felt right to me. I started standing up to people who had walked all over me. I stopped holding myself back.
To describe the lessons and experiences of this past year in full would be to sit down and write a novel -- and perhaps I will one day. In spite of homesickness for my family and friends in the US, I found a home here in Amsterdam that I truly have never had before. I fell in love with the streets around me, the pace of the city, the language (as impossible as it feels to learn), the friends I made here, the family I established here, and the person I am, who maybe didn't fit in as well to the home I made in New York, but is who she is because of it.
So, here I go into year two - not just of living in Europe, but of living in this era of my life. I hope that anyone reading this wondering if they can really go after their craziest dreams will consider taking the risk. It doesn't have to be with a full year in mind; it can be as simple as saying "For this month, I'm going to try to make this one thing happen that I've never done but wanted to." For me, that one month led to this blog post.
Thanks for sharing the ride with me.
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