Resolution.

Ringing in 2013 with all of my bests.

 Happy New Year!

I will admit, I'm a little superstitious when it comes to the start of a new year. I do actually take it seriously, even if I keep some of that cheesiness to myself. I make the resolutions, (and sometimes even keep them), and I pay attention to the spirit in which I'm entering the year. Truthfully, New Year's Eve is my least favorite holiday of the year; for some reason no matter how great my plans are I drag my feet. This year was no exception; after a somewhat emotional, though beautiful, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I resolved to make plans at a local favorite bar near my apartment with a few of my closest friends and left it - gladly - at that.

Maybe I take this time of year to heart because my birthday is also in the first couple weeks. It's not just the start of a new year for everyone, it's the start of a new year and a new age for myself. I feel the urge to improve, grow, and reflect. I feel restless energy combined with a calm that I've "made it" to a new point in my life, even if I try not to put too much pressure on my age. I've never had an issue with getting older; I have always felt a little bit older than my age (but this doesn't mean I'm not absolutely ridiculous and inappropriate most days), and as much as I hate the anticipation of change I have also always embraced it once it has arrived.

Even if I ring in the new year in my sweatpants with a pint of ice cream in my lap (done that too! Oh hello again, 2009...), it is a momentous, slate-clearing time I always look forward to.

I spent the last few weeks of 2012 looking wearily at the little box on my facebook profile urging me to check out my "2012 in Review." I know you're well-meaning, Facebook (well that just made me laugh, actually), but 2012 was not a year I feel like looking back on. It was important, life-changing, and I suppose if I went back and knew how things would turn out I still would've walked forward exactly the same way. Still, it was tough, and looking back on the last few years and how much I have changed forces me to consider the old resolutions I made.

2012's Resolutions went like this:

• Reach athletic goals (Run 5K, start bike training, etc.)
• Spend more time with loved ones
• Audition for 10 new programs
• Get lessons every other week and work on new rep
• Pay off loans
• Learn to cook (Better)
• Learn to knit
• Travel
• Grow in all aspects of work
• Get more sleep 
• Be BETTER at EVERYTHING! (in a nutshell).

... You get the picture. I made a good effort, but alas - I did not keep all of those resolutions. This year, I actually thought about what I want to resolve to do, and the list looks like this:

• Enjoy my life.

Honestly, when all is said and done each year, the one thing I want most is to feel like even if I've crashed and burned at everything I've attempted - I have done it all fully and with commitment. I'm already a motivated individual who wants to make a difference in the world somehow while I'm here for this blip of time. But, not to be too corny here (failed already I'm sure), I'll only be this age, today. It won't come around again. I already look back and realize I've spent so much of the last year working hard and trying to reach milestones I have no control over coming to fruition... so while I'm still on the hamster wheel finding a way to a bigger or faster one, I need to learn how to enjoy spinning on it for awhile.

At the end of this year, no matter how tired I was or drained, I was proud of myself for getting here. I felt stronger somehow, and I knew I didn't have any more questions; most had all been answered in the best or worst ways. I felt freed.

So here I am in my apartment, newly stocked with a few gifts and some plans to go to Europe this summer in the works (more on that later), and a feeling of love and joy I feel confident enough to let in this time. Even if tomorrow's a tough day, or I fail on a different goal, this is what I want my focus to be.